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Top 10 Pants
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May 30, 2001 - Steve "Stupid Dummy Pants" Trice (Contributer)
Oh, Pants!
Yes friends, this is what we have all been waiting for! It finally arrives here on DaddyMonkey. The top ten list of my favorite kinds of, oh yes, PANTS! If you are not familiar with the DaddyMonkey crew, well, frankly you should be. We all have a thing for our two legged friends, pairs of pants. Especially yours truly: Steve "Stupid Dummy Pants" Trice. You may or may not agree with my list. Feel free to come up with your own. It will be one of the most exhilarating experiences of your life, I assure you. We all wear them, we all like them, we all buy them, and now I rate them! Here goes...
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10. Dress Pants (Slacks)
These guys are the quintessential pants in this day and age. If you expect to have any chance of a good career or even the shot at that good part-time job you’ve been wanting, you need to have these. Any function that your mother would kill you for not showing up at usually requires a pair of these. You know, weddings, funerals, church on Sunday, or the ever-popular opera. They are not the most comfortable pants by far. Maybe the least comfortable of all. But they sure do look good! They also tend to be a little expensive.
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9. Khaki Pants
These are a step down, look-wise, from the dress pants, but the sure are more comfortable. That alone is enough to make them one step above the dress pants in my book. But they also offer a few more things that you might not think of. Versatility is a big plus when it comes to pants. These pants offer about as much versatility as you can get. They are standard at many work places around the world but can also be seen at many play places as well. They work well for dressing up and dressing down. They come in many shades of the famed “khaki” color and usually come at a decent price.
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8. Denim Pants (Jeans)
Slightly more comfortable than the khaki pants, these hit high on the comfort scale. They tend to be the most worn pants of all. Even though they have both of these attributes they still come in only at number 8. There are many styles and colors of jeans, (even though the ones that come in red, yellow, and other similar “outrageous” colors shouldn’t be considered pants at all, but works of very bad art-no offense to those of you that own or did own a pair of these) including the ever popular stone-washed, big-and-baggy, tight fitting, boot-cut, and various others. If you don’t own these pants you might be from India, Bermuda, or outer space. They are generally very affordable and can be found in any sane store that sells clothing.
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7. Short Pants
Summer time is now upon us! And even though some of us don’t want to show our fluorescent legs to the rest of the world, we must do so to avoid heat stroke. The best and most popular way to do this is to put on that favorite pair of shorts. I particularly enjoy shorts for the simple fact that there are a million and one different styles. Some include; sport, casual, jean, khaki, long, short, baggy, tight, and a whole lot more! To me they signify summer, my favorite time of year. You would think that these pants would cost about half as much as their long counterpart, but they don’t! So get out there and show off those legs this summer!
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6. Sleeping Pants
Some of us like it cool when we sleep, and some of us like it nice and cozy. Some like to wear these very comfortable pants and some don’t wear any pants at all! In the wintertime especially, these come in very handy. They provide fashion as well as comfort. There is nothing worse than waking up in the middle of the night and being cold. Except maybe waking up in the middle of the night and realizing that you’re on fire and you might die. Sleeping pants can be bought at a number of stores and are also relatively inexpensive.
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5. Carpenter Pants
Carpenter pants aren’t just for those big fat guys wielding a hammer and nails anymore! They seem in the last few years to have become one of the most popular styles of pants. I think that they are pretty snazzy myself. No one really wears them for any practical use (except of course the carpenter), but you could if you wanted to. They might come in handy for carrying around those new-fangeled cell phones that every one has these days. You have to admit that they are kinda cool. They do come in many shapes and sizes. Khaki carpenters and jean carpenters seem to be some of the most popular. They do generally run a little more expensive then the average pants, but in my book they are worth it!
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4. Swimming Pants
See pants walk. See pants run. Now see pants swim! This tends to be more guy-related than it is girl-related. No offense, but you ladies have your own swim gear to show off and I don’t think we can consider them pants. I know it’s a shame, but whataya gonna do? This cousin to the "short pants" offers a few more extras than it’s relative. More often than not, they come with that seemingly annoying liner that tends to cut circulation off to certain parts of the male body. Right guys? But this is for your own protection, and sometimes the protection of others. This liner disallows any parts coming out unannounced from your swimming pants. Therefore, other floating objects can’t maim these parts. And likewise, these parts can’t maim other floating objects. The newer versions of the swimming pants also come with some device for holding very small objects. Usually a small (and I mean small!) zippered pocket inside or outside of the pants. Most people only use this pocket for the collection of sand. Other swimming “pants” for men are also going to be lumped into the category with female swimming gear, due to lack of material. These pants are considered inexpensive and can be bought at a variety of clothing and sport related stores.
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3. Snow Pants
Even though I hate the cold weather, I adore the snow. Weather or not we ever get snow in Baltimore is another story for another top ten list (maybe the top 10 crapiest cities in the US). When it does decide to snow, make sure you’re prepared! Many people like to substitute any old thing for snow pants. This is fine in most instances. But if you happen to be Admiral Henson, and you are mapping the South Pole, you should invest in a real pair of snow pants. They come in the “ever -popular-in-the-80’s-style” bib overalls or the regular waist to toe version we see this decade. Either way, don’t lose a limb! Get warm in these water-resistant, heat insulating, fall cushioning, cozy pants. Never leave Nome without em’! They are kinda pricey, but worth not losing a body part over. They can be found mostly in your local outdoor stores.
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2. Astronaut Pants
I’m not gonna have much to say about the astronaut pants because I’ve never even seen a pair in real life. “That shouldn’t stop me,” you say? Okay. It won’t. These make it almost to the top of the list for numerous reasons, which I will now describe. Do you remember seeing footage of those all-American heroes walking across the bridge in slow motion to the space shuttle? I do. It was always an amazing sight to behold. Until I watched the Challenger explode in mid-air. The men and women always looked like a million bucks in those space suits. That’s probably because they cost that much. These pants are connected to the top half of the suit by a locking mechanism. The top half of the suit is then in turn connected to the helmet by the same kind of locking mechanism. This creates an air tight seal around anyone inside so that when air is pumped in the astronauts can breath in outer space. The material that these pants are made of is reflective to avoid being burned by the sun and insulated to avoid freezing by the sub-zero temperatures in outer space. I’m sure there are a million and one other reasons that these pants are at number 2, but I don’t have enough time to go through them all and you don’t care that much. Don’t bother trying to find these pants anywhere, and if you're reading DaddyMonkey.com you don’t have enough money to buy a pair. If you are really motivated you could try to steal a pair from the National Air & Space Museum in Washington D.C. But then, on what occasion would you wear them?
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1. Underpants
Finally! It’s the only one in the top ten that is one word. I’m not sure of the significance, but then again why does that matter, we are rating pants. I don’t know how to start with the best of all pants. Anything that you can think of to make underpants seem like a bad thing, I can turn it around to seem like a good thing! They can be tight, loose, comfy, sexy, bold, bright, wet, dry, on, or off. It doesn’t matter. Underpants are always a good thing. If you accidentally go to the bathroom in them, they protect the other pants that you are wearing. They keep your areas warm and safe from chaffing. They come in many styles for both men and women. Of course my favorite to wear are the boxer-briefs. They provide "structure" and support if you know what I mean. My favorite to look at would be the crotch-less kind. That’s fairly self-explanatory. The most interesting might be the edible underpants (see me later for where to buy these, ladies and gentlemen). I'm not exactly sure how these taste in general, but I just hope that somebody hasn’t pooped in them if you decide to eat a pair. Again, I could talk all day and night about the underpants, but I’ll spare you that agony. I think that of all the pants listed these are the most fun, sexy, reliable, versatile, and stupid. And by "stupid" I mean "really good!" Most of the time you don’t have to buy underpants for yourself because someone always buys them for you. So I won’t tell you how cheap they are.
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