September 11, 2008 - Mikey "Party Animal" Glover (Columnist)
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The Nerd, the Fag, and the Fugly. |
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Formula: Take a small group of geeky high school senior guys who only want to get laid before they run off to college next year, then throw in tons of alcohol, some hilarious situations, and a never ending sea of boobies... and you’ve got yourself a hit! This formula has been used over, and over, and over, and over again, but it does seem to always deliver classic comedic lines and moments that we will remember. College is no different.
Just let me start by saying that this movie is not Superbad or American Pie, and is definitely a step below both of those films in terms of comedic situations and funny one-liners. But, if you go into this movie with an open mind and are just looking to have a fun time at the movies, then College may just be the flick for you. Just don’t go into this film expecting to laugh at everything all the way through. Some of the comedy is really funny, but most of it isn’t.
Our story starts as we follow Kevin (Drake Bell), the uptight and boring, yet oddly good looking guy, and his two best friends: Carter (Andrew Caldwell), the overweight and foul mouthed sidekick, and Morris (Kevin Covais), the extremely dorky guy who gets really nervous around girls. Kevin and Morris are preparing to visit a semi-local college, Fieldmont, after they finish their day at school. But before they can get through the day, a few major points in our story occur. First, Kevin’s girlfriend decides to dump him because he is lame and boring, and because she wants to get drunk and whore around without having a guilty conscience. Then the boys meet up with their buddy Fletcher (Ryan Pinkston) who proceeds to tell the guys about what a wild time he had visiting Fieldmont College the previous weekend and this new information now influences Carter to want to tag along for the weekend. Kevin is out to have a rockin’ good time and prove his ex wrong on her accusation that he is boring and lame... even though he really is.
After a short road trip the guys arrive at Fieldmont College, where smooth talking Carter proceeds to try to use his patented pick up lines to hit on college chicks walking by. He doesn’t have much luck, poor Carter. They then proceed to the dorm room where they are supposed to stay for the weekend, only to be greeted by a creepy looking perv jacking off to what I assume was Animal Planet. They all agree that maybe it would be better if they found some alternative sleeping arrangements, so they start going to frat houses trying to find a place to crash. Luckily for them, one frat house has been denied it’s request to have pledges this year and is willing to take our boys in so that they will have someone to beat up and make fun of all weekend. Of course the boys are unsuspecting of this and just assume that all college guys are friendly. They are forced to sleep in the basement where there are rats and fumes coming off of the furnace. But no matter, the boys are excited about banging college chicks and getting hammered. Oh they get hammered all right, as they are forced by the frat guys to do body shots off of the hairiest man ever, known strictly as “Bearcat” (Gary Owen). At first the boys resist, but since they are unable to leave, they say “fuck it” and proceed to do some of the nastiest and most homoerotic body shots ever filmed.
After getting shit-faced off tequila, beer, and man-flesh, the boys then head upstairs where there is a huge party going on, and continue to drink, drink, and drink, all the while gazing at the abundance of naked bobbies that seem to be floating around. One of the girls at the party, Kendall (Haley Bennett), has taken a liken to our boy Kevin and begins to flirt with him over a game of quarters. Kendall seems to like Kevin because he is different from all the other college guys, maybe that has something to do with the fact that he’s in high school. Well Kendall’s affection for Kevin doesn’t sit well with the head of the frat house, Teague (Nick Zano), as he was hoping to bang Kendall first. The carnage that follows is all a result of Teague being jealous of Kevin and Kendall. Imagine that. Oh and did I mention that Morris and Carter hook up with Kendall’s two best friends, Heather (Camille Mana), and Amy (Natalie Walker)? Not only do all three of the girls believe that our boys are freshmen in college, but the even harder part to believe is that they actually like them. A couple of funny moments occur as Carter and Amy are about to have sex, only to be interrupted by a couple of girls who are committing lesbian acts on the bed, as Carter and Amy hide under the bed and listen. Then downstairs Morris and Heather get high while inhaling helium balloons, and then Heather proceeds to unzip Morris’ pants and give him a blowjob, only to fall asleep in the process. None of our guys end up getting laid the first night... even though they all probably could have.
The frat guys have their fun at the expense of the high school boys by making them clean the entire house, trashing their car and writing “PUSSY” on the side of it, throwing their clothes out in the woods, stripping them naked and throwing them in a muddy pig stable, and then the worst of all is when they steal all the money out of their wallets and then throw the biggest party of all time while using their credit cards to the max. They even had enough money to have a champagne fountain, and to rent out Playboy cover models and even pay Verne Troyer to be there. Verne ends up with a ton of speaking lines that would have probably been funny about 5 years ago. Instead he just comes off as annoying and vulgar. Oh and at this party, the mega-asshole Teague tells the entire crowd, including our boy’s new girlfriends, that the guys are really in high school and are not college freshman. The crowd throws beer on them... but really, how bad can that be?
Our heroes eventually decide that they have had enough and are able to get their revenge at the end of the movie by super gluing Bearcat to a toilet seat, putting ex-lax fed pigs in Teague’s room, rigging the entire house’s sprinkler system with beer, posting flyers of Teague pounding a blowup doll all over campus, trashing his car, and duct taping Teague’s best friend Cooper naked to a statue in the center of campus. I personally would have burned the frat house to the ground and skull fucked each member of the fraternity... but that’s just me. I guess their approach was more logical.
In the end the boys all get the girls, while Morris and Heather make out, Carter and Amy do it in the back of the station wagon, and Kevin and Kendall make plans to see each other next year at college... LAME! Oh they do make out too though.
In conclusion I would have to say that this movie is right about where I expected it to be. I didn’t have a ton of expectations for it, and therefore I walked away pretty satisfied. I probably wouldn’t recommend spending $9 bucks for you to go see this in theater, but if you can wait until it hits a dollar theater near you, or wait until it’s out on DVD, I highly recommend checking it out.
Interesting side note: I’m sure everyone knows Drake Bell (Kevin) from his days on Drake & Josh on Nickelodeon, or from his aspiring music career. But I didn’t really know who Andrew Caldwell (Carter) or Kevin Covais (Morris) was until I started researching them online. I was fascinated to find out that Kevin Covais was the dorky young kid on the fifth season of American Idol. He didn’t win or anything, but it was still pretty interesting considering he was in the top 12. I was like “OH, I remember him now!” when I found that out. If you don’t watch American Idol, I’m jealous of you as I am now hooked and wish I could stop watching.
 5/10
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