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Summer Movie Preview 2007
August: Clean Up
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August 8, 2007 - Brian "Underdog" Pritchard (Columnist)
YAWN. Sorry I’m late. July was so boring it caused me to oversleep.
What a crap month. Oh, I know - you all convinced yourself you liked Transformers, but I’m sorry to break this to you - it sucked. The fifth Harry Potter wasn't as bad as some of the previous ones, and The Simpsons Movie was a fun, albeit familiar ride. But I can honestly say there wasn't a single EXCITING summer movie released in all of July. And unfortunately, there are only about two weeks left since, as an unspoken rule, August only yields good movies for its first half... and then spends the last two dumping absolute junk into the end of the summer. Allow me to illustrate: The #1 movie the weekend of Labor Day 2001 was Jeepers Creepers. And the #1 movie over Labor Day weekend of 2003? Jeepers Creepers 2. Now HE a blow-pop.
But fear not dear moviegoer, there may be some fun stuff still to come - perhaps even the most fun. Because it's also not uncommon for some of summer's gems to enter late in the game (40 Year Old Virgin, anyone?). So slap on some shorts, stuff some Twizzlers into your pockets -and for God’s sake, stop tanning with a wife-beater on– summer is coming to an end and I've taken you as far as I can go - until next month, since Brad wants me to do this monthly and I owe him a life-debt, which is a term I heard in some sci-fi movie.
Thumbs up, let’s do this.
THE BOURNE ULTIMATUM (AUGUST 3)
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| WHAT IT IS: The third and purportedly final chapter in a franchise that no one expected to be a franchise - least of all me. When The Bourne Identity was released five years ago, I was pretty sure it was going to be a flop. An action flick with Matt Damon? (Now say it like the retarded puppet cuz you know you want to: "Matt. Damon.") But I was wrong -it happens- as "Identity" and it's sequel "Supremacy" were pretty solid espionage adventures - breaths of fresh air both, what with their lack of CGI-assisted action and abundance of... what's that thing called? Oh yeah, plot.
GOING FOR IT: "Supremacy" director Paul Greengrass returns, as does writer of the first two installments, Tony Gilroy. And it’s always a good sign when they don’t switch crews. Damon is strangely becoming the new go-to guy for box office assurance.
GOING AGAINST IT: As I’ve said before, fatigue tends to set in around part three, especially with the franchises you’re supposed to take seriously (conversely, see: Rush Hour 3).
SUCK SCALE: 3/10 "I always thought Matt Damon was kind of a Streisand, but I think he's rockin' the shit in this one." This franchise is going to end on a high note.
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SUCK POTENTIAL
3/10
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HOT ROD (AUGUST 3)
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| WHAT IT IS: The big-screen debut of SNL viral-video star Andy Samberg (the guy who wasn’t Justin Timberlake in the "Dick In A Box" video), who plays an unprofessional stuntman looking to go big time, in what looks to be a predictably silly, amateur freshman effort for someone born of SNL.
GOING FOR IT: Samberg has a goofy charm, and the movie looks harmless.
GOING AGAINST IT: Carrying a whole 90-minute flick on their shoulders has never been a strong suit for most of the SNL alum (The Ladies Man, Opportunity Knocks, Corky Romano... should I keep going?).
SUCK SCALE: 6/10 Harmless - but not worthwhile.
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SUCK POTENTIAL
6/10
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THE TEN (AUGUST 3 - LIMITED)
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| WHAT IT IS: Ten stories, each inspired by one of the Ten Commandments, brought to you by the guys who made Wet Hot American Summer, Stella, and The State.
GOING FOR IT: A huge cast (including Paul Rudd and Winona Ryder), interesting subject matter, and a lot of VERY talented, VERY funny people in front of and behind the camera. What more can you ask for?
GOING AGAINST IT: Director David Wain isn’t known for his subtlety, so it’s not a sure thing that some of this won’t fall flat.
SUCK SCALE: 3/10 It would take a lot to top WHAS, and it’s ok if they don’t. This is bound to bring us something fresh all the same.
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SUCK POTENTIAL
3/10
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UNDERDOG (AUGUST 3)
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| WHAT IT IS: It’s a friggin’ live-action movie about Underdog. You know... Underdog. The cartoon? Have no fear? ...Underdog is here? Oh forget it.
GOING FOR IT: Not really much of anything.
GOING AGAINST IT: Not really much of anything.
SUCK SCALE: 0/10 Brilliant. The sleeper hit of the year. Beachfront property in Utah.
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SUCK POTENTIAL
0/10
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DADDY DAY CAMP (AUGUST 8)
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| WHAT IT IS: The sequel to Daddy Day Care, for which not only did original star Eddie Murphy not bother to return, but neither did the fat guy who played Murphy’s sidekick. Cuba Gooding Jr. steps into the Murphy role, mostly just to fulfill his obligations as a cautionary tale for Oscar winners.
GOING FOR IT: Directed by Fred Savage. Recognize, bitch.
GOING AGAINST IT: Dude, not even the fat sidekick came back! Take that in for a second.
SUCK SCALE: 9/10 Who knows?... it might have ONE good fart joke in it.
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SUCK POTENTIAL
9/10
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RUSH HOUR 3 (AUGUST 10)
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| WHAT IT IS: The seemingly dead franchise arises once again for more of the same. Not that that’s a bad thing. Carter and Lee end up in Paris trying to find the head of the Chinese gang after an assassination attempt on a friend. Lots of kicking and shouting of "Oh HELL no!!" ensues.
GOING FOR IT: Despite these movies being predictable and cookie-cutter, they've never been anything less than good fun. And Rush Hour 2 was a vast improvement over the first. Perhaps this is the hat trick?
GOING AGAINST IT: It was three long years between the first two. This time it's been SIX years. And Chris Tucker literally does nothing in between these movies. Seriously - check out imdb.com if you don't believe me. NOTHING.
SUCK SCALE: 4/10 You're gonna go if you liked the first two, and stay away if you didn't. There's not much at stake here.
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SUCK POTENTIAL
4/10
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STARDUST (AUGUST 10)
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| WHAT IT IS: It’s a fairy-tale kind of fantasy story. I would go into detail but I am SOOO scared I could screw up any particular detail and be forced to suffer Tara’s wrath. Suffice it to say it’s based on a story by Neil Gaiman and it has lots of good actors in it.
GOING FOR IT: Aforementioned good actors and Neil Gaiman, who I can’t claim to have read, but of whom I’ve heard many good things. And it’s been awhile since this type of sweet-natured fantasy found its way to the big screen.
GOING AGAINST IT: Films based on books are always iffy. Based on FANTASY books, even iffier. And ones based on Tara’s favorite author may be forced to suffer her wrath if they don’t hold up. Seriously, it’s terrifying.
SUCK SCALE: 5/10 It looks pleasant and fun, but this genre is a tough nut to crack.
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SUCK POTENTIAL
5/10
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THE INVASION (AUGUST 17)
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| WHAT IT IS: Nicole Kidman (yawn) stars as a Washington psychiatrist who unearths the origin of an alien epidemic and also discovers her son might be the only way it can be stopped (double yawn).
GOING FOR IT: It’s another remake of Invasion of the Body Snatchers, and that’s some creepy source material. Plus, a lot of it was shot here in Baltimore...
GOING AGAINST IT: ...over two years ago. BAD sign. Multiple reshoots and new endings have been tacked on to a movie that has been shelved for a year and gotten horrible buzz in the meantime. There’s not much going on in this production that bodes well.
SUCK SCALE: 8/10 You’ll forget this even came out by the time September hits.
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SUCK POTENTIAL
8/10
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SUPERBAD (AUGUST 17)
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| WHAT IT IS: Well, for starters, it's a movie that this site has already reviewed. The plot is as follows: On one of their last nights as high schoolers, best friends (and social outcasts) Evan and Seth experience a legendary evening as they attempt to buy booze for a party. Seth Rogen (Knocked Up) and his buddy Evan wrote the film when they were 14. The script evolved as they aged, and Rogen now has a part in the film as an irresponsible cop. Judd Apatow produces, Jonah Hill stars, and Michael Cera (brilliant as Jason Bateman’s son on Arrested Development) is his foil. But it’s newcomer Christopher Mintz-Plasse who damn near steals the movie. You’re not likely to forget the name McLovin anytime soon.
GOING FOR IT: Well, it got an 8 out of 10 on 8outof10.com, and that's a pretty good sign.
GOING AGAINST IT: Nothing. I already saw it. It rocks.
SUCK SCALE: 1/10 Just to play fair. Seriously though, this is the funniest movie of the summer. Just go see it.
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SUCK POTENTIAL
1/10
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MR. BEAN’S HOLIDAY (AUGUST 24)
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| WHAT IT IS: Rowan Atkinson plays the bumbling, strange, near-mute weirdo Mr. Bean, and fans of Bean worldwide join in laughter as he makes faces and steps in things. Me? I don’t get it. These movies always look like they were shot eight years before they come out.
GOING FOR IT: Atkinson is a funny guy, and his Bean shtick is so simple, I don’t see how fans can be disappointed.
GOING AGAINST IT: But did you see Johnny English? Woo... Stinky.
SUCK SCALE: 5/10 For hardcores only.
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SUCK POTENTIAL
5/10
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WAR (AUGUST 24)
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| WHAT IT IS: An FBI agent tries to settle the score with the infamous assassin who killed his partner. Jason Statham and Jet Li star.
GOING FOR IT: Those are probably the two most badass guys in action movies today. And while the plot sounds pretty contrived, you probably don’t want to put too much more onto the shoulders of a couple of guys just interested in beating the shit out of each other.
GOING AGAINST IT: Yeah. Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever sounded like a good, simple idea too.
SUCK SCALE: 4/10 If you’re hunting just straight-up action before the summer ends, look like this is your chance.
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SUCK POTENTIAL
4/10
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BALLS OF FURY (AUGUST 31)
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| WHAT IT IS: A former champion ping-pong player (played by some dude I’ve never heard of) is recruited to infiltrate an underground tournament in order to take down the crime boss who runs the event (played by Christopher Walken – a dude I have very much heard of).
GOING FOR IT: It’s from Thomas Lennon and Ben Garant, two former members of The State and creators of Reno 911! Plus, a movie about ping pong –much like a movie about, say, dodgeball?- may just be silly enough to work.
GOING AGAINST IT: As much as I hate to admit it, Lennon and Garant have been really hit-or-miss as of late. The theatrical for "Reno" was fun, but should’ve been WAY better than it was. And the trailers for this one... well, let’s just say that when your big joke is an innocent little girl "unexpectedly" punching a guy in the crotch – you don’t have my money just yet.
SUCK SCALE: 5/10 Walken rules. This movie might not.
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SUCK POTENTIAL
5/10
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HALLOWEEN (AUGUST 31)
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| WHAT IT IS: A "re-imagining" of a classic. An unnecessary remake. A movie that will cause generations of moviegoers to never bother seeing the original and base their opinions of the franchise solely on this entry. Hillbilly filmmaker Rob Zombie explores Michael Myers' childhood (because explaining away something scary always makes it scarier!) and then crams the entire 90-minute plot of John Carpenter's original masterpiece into the last 45 of this one. Should be a gas!!
GOING FOR IT: When all is said and done, nothing can take away what the original movie achieved.
GOING AGAINST IT: What's the point? The most recent sequel (the EIGHTH installment) was just five years ago. So what happens if this one is a success? Do they just keep remaking the sequels? Oh, and once again, Dimension Films thinks that Halloween can take place in any month besides October. It all just hurts my brain.
SUCK SCALE: 7/10 More painful to my head is that I know I'm going to go see it. Fuck.
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SUCK POTENTIAL
7/10
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AND THE WINNER IS....
If this wasn’t obvious, then you didn’t read the article. Jerk. Just go see "Superbad", fool. You’ll blow snot out your nose and love yourself for it. Just don’t take your mother.
MUST-SEE: Superbad
REFRESHING ALTERNATE: The Ten
AVOID: If you can’t figure this one out, you shouldn’t be allowed to go to the movies at all.
See you guys next month with the glorious SEPTEMBER MOVIE PREVIEW!! (Wait. Movies come out in September?)
>>> Back To Summer Movie Preview Index
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