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Big Summer '03 Movie Preview Time
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April 28, 2003 - Brian "Air-Conditioned" Pritchard (Columnist)
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Termi-night-rix... ugh. I hate these captions. |
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Thirty movies. Fourteen of them are sequels. And ten more are based on ideas from television, books, or a ride at Disney Land. That leaves us with six original concepts in cinematic entertainment over the next four months, good people... and one of them stars Eddie Murphy.
Welcome to the summer.
I’m going to take you on a guided tour of the theatrical product awaiting your viewing pleasure from May to August of this year. When the thermometer pops the top or the rainy days drive you indoors, I’ll give you the lowdown on what’s worth ducking into once, what’s worth checking out twice, and what you must avoid at all costs – even if your Uncle Leo invited you to yet another “No Pants Barbeque”. Why should you listen to me? I have no idea. You probably shouldn’t. There are about a thousand professional magazines and websites out there who do this same thing every year, and they probably do it better. But I know a lot about movies and I work for Daddy Monkey, and if you still have an excuse, then you shouldn’t even be here. So roll up your sleeves, grab a drink, and figure out what the hell it is that’s growing on your neck before things really get out of hand, because here comes PRITCH’S SUMMER MOVIE PREVIEW 2003!
(Incidentally, I implore you to not see any of these movies at a Regal Entertainment Group theater. Regal Entertainment Group molests small babies. And they support the Nazi party. Thanks.)
May 2nd
X-Men 2 (or X2: X-Men United, whichever you prefer) – Since we’re so close to the release date, and the preview pretty much speaks for its ass-kicking-self, there’s not too much to say here. If this is as good as it looks, folks, get on your knees and pray to whomever you pray to that Bryan Singer & Co. return for one final showdown. This would make one HELL of a trilogy.
SEE-IT SCALE: 10 out of 10
The Lizzie McGuire Movie – What the crap is this? Dude, if you’re sitting in a theater showing this film, you better pray your little sister and her slumber-party friends are sitting next to you and you’re stuck on babysitter duty. You big, fat pansy.
SEE-IT SCALE: 0 out of 10
May 9th
Daddy Day Care – Remember that “original” movie I mentioned starring Eddie Murphy? Here ya go. I think this looks mildly amusing, simply because my own mother did day-care in her home for sixteen years, and I know what it’s like first-hand. The rest of you have no excuse. Go see X2 again, for cryin’ out loud.
SEE-IT SCALE: 3 out of 10
May 15th
The Matrix Reloaded – Why bother with petty words? You’ll see it whether you like or not. Just remember to stay through the end credits. (And yes, the 15th is a Thursday. Stop counting on your fingers... you look like a tool.)
SEE-IT SCALE: 11 out of 10
May 23rd
Bruce Almighty – Jim Carrey is endowed with God’s powers, and Morgan Freeman is The Man himself. It doesn’t get a lot more inspired in that – which, sadly, only increases the potential for failure. The trailer really has me pulling for this one to be THE reliable summer comedy.
SEE-IT SCALE: 8 out of 10
The In-Laws – Another one I’m looking forward to, though I’m just that much more cautious. Albert Brooks and Michael Douglas play fathers of the bride and groom, who clash in almost every way possible. The movie features Candice Bergen, which would usually repel me in every direction – but I can’t overlook the inspired pairing of Douglas and Brooks. Let’s just hope. It’s all we can do.
SEE-IT SCALE: 6 out of 10
May 30th
Finding Nemo – The guys at Pixar have yet to do wrong by us, and I doubt it will happen here. This looks every bit as wonderful and fun as their previous efforts, and any movie that you can take a date, a buddy, AND a little kid to has potential to spare. (Plus we get Albert Brooks twice in one summer! Nice!)
SEE-IT SCALE: 9 out of 10
The Italian Job – Edward Norton was contractually obliged by Paramount to appear in this film, against his own will - which if you ask me is reason enough to check it out. Aside from that, it looks like a mindless, passable heist flick. But I swear if Mark Whalberg doesn’t find a way to master a second facial expression, I’m strangling someone.
SEE-IT SCALE: 5 out of 10
June 6th
2 Fast 2 Furious – I hope the guy who came up with that awesome title got a huge raise. Now remember, only YOU can help prevent unnecessary sequels to mediocre movies. Approach this junk at your own risk.
SEE-IT SCALE: 2 out of 10
June 13th
Dumb And Dumberer: When Harry Met Lloyd – A prequel that has been in the works since the original became a hit, this sans-Jim Carrey, Jeff Daniels-less follow-up instead features two guys doing spot-on impersonations of the dense duo. Whether or not that will translate into a worthy addition to the “franchise” remains to be seen. Look at it this way: The original will remain forever hysterical, so there’s not a lot riding on this one. Still, the trailer isn’t awful.
SEE-IT SCALE: 5 out of 10
Hollywood Homicide – A buddy-cop movie with Harrison Ford, Josh Hartnett, and some very bad buzz attached to it. We can hope all we want, but let’s face it – Harrison’s last decent movie was Air Force One in 1997. He has to prove himself if he wants to come back and sit at the big boy table again.
SEE-IT SCALE: 4 out of 10
From Justin To Kelly – Don’t even fucking get me started.
SEE-IT SCALE: 0 out of 10
June 20th
The Hulk – All alone by his big, bad self for one week is the last brand-name comic book character to finally make his way to the big screen. (And by brand-name, I’m talking about someone your mom has heard of.) I’ve watched the trailer countless times, waiting for something to grab me. Alas, I think it looks pretty stupid. I’m sorry, but Dude just looks like a huge plastic toy come to life. I’ll see it of course, and so will everyone else in the free world. But I’m just not getting a great vibe from this one.
SEE-IT SCALE: 9 out of 10
June 27th
Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle – Hated the idea of the first one, but saw it because of Bill Murray. Came out realizing that if you turn off your brain, it’s really good fun. I’ll check this one out because I dig Bernie Mac - but my brain can only work on auto-pilot for so long. Seriously, they need to end this series before someone gets hurt.
SEE-IT SCALE: 4 out of 10
July 2nd
Terminator 3: Rise Of The Machines – Best potential this summer for a case of Jurassic Park III Syndrome. That’s when everyone you know sees a particular movie, and yet literally no one talks about it after. It’s been 12 years since T2, Arnold’s over the hill, and James Cameron isn’t even involved this time. I’d love for this to be great... but I ain’t holding my breath.
SEE-IT SCALE: 7 out of 10
Legally Blonde 2: Red, White & Blonde – I just watched the trailer. It makes me want to see the original less than I already haven’t.
SEE-IT SCALE: 3 out of 10
July 9th
The League Of Extraordinary Gentlemen (also know as LXG, or more recently, The League). A cool concept (literary figures from different eras team up to fight evil) looks to have been turned into the bomb of the summer. And I don’t mean “Da Bomb”. The studio doesn’t know how to promote it (see the schizophrenic titles or the awful trailer in theaters) and that usually spells disaster.
SEE-IT SCALE: 5 out of 10
Pirates Of The Caribbean: Curse Of The Black Pearl – Or as all the cool, hip Hollywood people will be calling it: “POTC: COTBP”!! Ok, so this actually looks like a cool pirate movie. Now if only there had been another cool pirate movie EVER to assure us that this is a good idea at all. It’s Disney’s second movie to be based on a popular theme-park ride. Anyone remember “The Country Bears”? (Ok, everyone who just raised their hand can go home. The world no longer has any use for you.)
SEE-IT SCALE: 7 out of 10
July 18th
Bad Boys II – Overlooking the presence of Martin Lawrence, who hasn’t been remotely entertaining since Bad Boys I back in 1995, this could be one of the few successful popcorn flicks of the summer. And by “successful,” I don’t mean that it should make over $150 million – I mean that it might actually be fun. The first movie was great stuff, and the two leads have chemistry to burn. Fans can only hope that an 8-year gap between films hasn’t taken away the magic.
SEE-IT SCALE: 7 out of 10
The Exorcist: The Beginning – Hey, remember the first twenty minutes of the original “Exorcist”? No? Well that’s because it was boring. Now realize that this movie actually expands on that premise, and sets the whole film before the events of the original. I’m asleep already.
SEE-IT SCALE: 3 out of 10
Johnny English – A spy-spoof about a bumbling British super-agent. Inevitable comparisons to Austin Powers will hopefully come to a close once Rowan Atkinson puts his wry, distinctive talent on display. Could be a whammy of a surprise hit... could be a whisper of a dud.
SEE-IT SCALE: 6 out of 10
July 25th
Lara Croft: Tomb Raider: The Cradle Of Life: Longest Title In The World: With Too Many Colons: OK I’m Finished – Whatever, dude. You’ll see it cuz she’s hot. You’ll hate it cuz it’s lame. Incidentally, who the hell asked for this sequel???
SEE-IT SCALE: 2 out of 10
Seabiscuit – Spider-Man is back, baby!! And this time he’s... um, riding a horse? Er... yeah. Tobey Maguire plays a jockey (those guys who look like midgets with the funny clothes) in this true story of depression-era horse racing, and the titular pony who “inspired a nation” – or so the previews would have us believe. Gary Ross (the guy behind Dave and Pleasantville) is in charge here, and that’s reason enough for me to look past one really lame-ass title. That would be Seabiscuit. That was the lame-ass title that I was talking about. Back there. A minute ago.
SEE-IT SCALE: 5 out of 10
Spy Kids 3-D: Game Over – So why am I even mentioning this one? Because I’m giddy at the fact that someone finally made a third film in a series that is also in 3-D! Makes me long for the 80’s, man (Jaws 3-D? Amityville 3-D? Wow, those are some bad movies). Speaking of which, Sylvester Stallone plays the bad guy - a madman who puts the Spy Kids inside a deadly video game. Sure it’s silly... but it’s in 3-D, baby!!!
SEE-IT SCALE: 3 out of 10
August 1st
American Wedding – Or what is sure to be called American Pie 3 by the time it’s released (after all, you don’t want to confuse your already-easily-confused core audience). Jim gets married to the band camp chick, who, incidentally, was the only redeemable thing about American Pie 2. Man, I hated that movie. Anyways, I’ll see this one only because the incomparable Fred Willard (the commentator in Best In Show) joins the cast as the father of the bride. Reports circled that Tara Reid isn’t back because she lost too much weight and literally vanished into thin air. Ok, that never happened, but it’s pretty funny all the same. She’s real skinny, you see.
SEE-IT SCALE: 4 out of 10
Gigli (or Tough Love) – Reshoots and title swaps have plagued this delayed release for over a year now. Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez star in this, their first of two movies that are already in the can. Hearing about this freaking couple and their bullshit lives every single week has made something in my brain snap (loudly) three times so far. Better they make good on whatever it is they’ve got going for them – otherwise I say we officially vote them off the Earth. Seriously. It’s not like they didn’t have it coming, man.
SEE-IT SCALE: 3 out of 10
August 8th
S.W.A.T. – Samuel L. Jackson and Colin Farrell star in what is being touted as an adaptation of the 70’s TV series. But since no one remembers anything about that show (save for its popular theme song), this is really just a stand-alone movie. The trailer hints at style over substance, with flashy guns, car chases, and lots of ‘splosions. Yeah, it would be nice to have a late summer treat with this one, but I wouldn’t count on it. It has LL Cool J in it. He smells.
SEE-IT SCALE: 6 out of 10
August 15th
Freddy Vs. Jason – Jason X Man! The Holy Grail for horror fans arrives, as the two icons of 80’s slasher flicks finally duke it out. Truthfully, the plot is fairly decent, and the pictures I’ve seen show promise. Bonus: Director Ronny Yu was the man who resurrected Chucky in what was arguably the most entertaining “Child’s Play” movie, Bride Of Chucky. If you don’t like the movies Freddy and Jason hail from, you might as well just keep your comments to yourself and stay away. Everyone else... dig in.
SEE-IT SCALE: 8 out of 10
August 22nd
Marci X – It stars Lisa Kudrow and Damon Wayans and has been delayed for over a year. Just has HIT written all over it, doesn’t it?
SEE-IT SCALE: 0 out of 10
August 29th
Jeepers Creepers 2 – The ass-end of summer lets out a huge Cleveland Steamer with this, the other sequel that absolutely no one asked for. There’s no way you liked the original, so why kid yourself? You’ve had all summer to decide what you liked best. Go see THAT again.
SEE-IT SCALE: 1 out of 10
And that’s it. I won’t keep you any longer with some boring, repetitive wrap-up. Chances are you just skimmed the movie titles looking for the ones you really care about, and aren’t even reading this commentary. And that’s fine. But just so you know, I stole fifty bucks from you and slept with your sister.
Just remember. Regal Entertainment Group. Small babies. Nazi Party.
Ok, bye.
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